| |
| |
|
Relationships, All the info you need! |
|
|
|
He Said, She Heard: Communication Meltdown within Relationship
It starts young, as babies. We learn communication from our parents starting with single words--mama, dada, we add adjectives, big boy, nice kitty. And even though we learn, and speak, the same language--English, French, German--we also learn sub-languages, languages that may differ so greatly we clog communication as if speaking to a foreigner, or worse. With a foreigner we expect to not understand. We assume we understand with someone speaking our own language. It starts like this: Two households on the same street. Billy in the first house, Susie in the second house, both are a year old. And both have a pet. In the first house, behind four walls and a closed door, Billy sits on the rug with his little furry Buddy as his dad exclaims daily, "damn dog, damn dog, damn dog." In the second house, behind four walls and a closed door, every time young Susie looks at her Belle, mama says, "cute puppy, cute puppy, cute puppy." Now, twenty years later Billy and Susie get married. They get their first dog and have a very different vocabulary to describe the very same dog. Hopefully Susie can stand to hear Billy call her little Ralphy, "damn dog," and Billy can stand Susie addressing his rough, tough, best friend, "cute puppy." Amongst relationships, we seem to always run into, "you said this," " but, I meant that." "No, you said this, and it means such and such." "That doesn't mean such and such, I just meant such." "Impossible!" Communication meltdown due to different sub-languages. Some words hold more or less impact than others. We may be desensitized to certain words and we may hold deep meaning in others. Here's another example of a communication breakdown by a couple named Said and Heard. He wrote the hefty check and said, "dang house payment." She stood in her gourmet kitchen and heard, "dang house payment." Now if these two take for granted they understand each other, Said will go on with life as normal, only a bit irritated as he'd like to take a vacation instead of spending the necessary money on a mortgage payment. And Heard, not knowing this was about a vacation, assumes it's about the fact she chose such a large house. Heard will walk around with bitterness, worry, and other such emotions which will effect her state of being. Said will wonder what her problem is and if days have passed Said won't understand what Heard is mad about. They will then fight about minor things that have transpired over these few days, how he wiped his brow and sighed after cutting the large lawn, and she shakes her head and says, "you really hate it here don't you?" Said asks, "What are you talking about? I don't hate it here." Heard won't believe it, they will fight, and have a hard time tracing it back to the original comment. Or if they do, Said will say, "that was so last week," when yes, it was last week, but now the single comment of "dang house payment" has magnetically caught little shavings of lead--the wipe of a brow, the sigh--all week, and this one comment grows heavier and heavier until "dang house payment" is just too heavy for Heard to bear. This could easily be solved by communicating the emotion a word or phrase causes the moment it is heard or said. Heard should have looked up in her gourmet kitchen, and said, "What does dang house payment mean? What are you saying?" Said would reply, "I can use a vacation, but we need somewhere to live, don't we?" Heard nods with a smile. The word "pathetic" doesn't carry much weight for me, it is a nice word I would maybe use to describe myself if I were to lay around on the couch all day and do nothing, yet if I were to use this very same word to describe myself when speaking to a certain friend of mine she would assume I was suicidal and consider calling the police to rescue me. This word carries much more meaning with her. If my boyfriend were to tell me I'm mentally unstable without telling me he's just referring to my PMS state at the moment, I may assume he thinks I belong in an insanity ward somewhere, locked up forever. And we will fight. The words "mentally unstable" carry a heavier meaning for me. How important it is to communicate as well as analyze our sub communication. Tell each other, because you said this, I feel that. Ask each other, was what you said intended to make me feel this? Could I take your such and such to mean such? And if the answer is no, believe it, understand, and explain it, so the next time won't be so bad. You'll grow to understand each other along with each others speaking styles and a sweet little communicating river will flow. Tiffany Twist is the author of two books, TIFFANY TWISTED: exposed, unraveled, rewritten (June 2004 by et al Publishing) and SOME DANCE: Hey bartender, I'll take a decade of marriage on the rocks, a therapist straight up, and a fantasy guy with a twist (April 2005 by et al Publishing) and can be contacted through her web site, http://www.tiffanytwist.com.
MORE RESOURCES:
Debt-Relief - Google News |
|
|
|
RELATED ARTICLES
The Healing Power of Forgiveness People who experience bad health often have major league forgiveness issues in their lives. When we hold negativity in our energy field, inevitably it expresses itself as physical disharmony or bad health. Sad Scientific Facts About Love Disaster results when we see women trying to change a man's behaviour. According to evolutionary biologist Rosie Mestel, what women perceive as bad male behaviour (lying, cheating, ogling other women) is actually part of a biologically based prime directive to procreate as fast as possible. Setting Up Boundaries in Relationships Setting up personal boundaries is important in all types of relationships, but in intimate ones, it is all the more important. As with the closer the relationship will become it is easier for those lines to blur. What is a Red Flag The focus of many of the last few articles has been on what is does a dangerous person look like, who you should avoid, but did you know that we all have personal red flags available if we just listen to them. Red Flags are signals that we all have, although they may differ just slightly. Mental Abuse - The 7 Most Important Things To Know 1. Sticks and stones won't break my bones" - and words won't leave any measurable physical damage, but they will cause progressive, long-term harm. How Compatible Are You and Your Partner? What are the things you argue about? Where are the disagreements? The small resentments? Where do you have to give in to get along?Do you argue over money? Are you fighting over sex? Do you have different ideas about how much time you should spend together and apart? Do you squabble over extended family and friends? Is one of you daring and reckless, while the other wants to play things safe? Does one of you want to be right all the time? Does one of you want to always be in control? Do you disagree about the fun activities in your life?Couples may have conflict over many areas but do you know there is a simple explanation for the conflict? When looking for a life partner, it is a good idea to take a close look at your "Need Strength Profile", based on Dr. William Glasser's work in the area of Choice Theory. Lobster - The Food Of Romantics Summer has arrived! Woo-Hoo! Do you know what always comes along with summer? Well, besides the bugs! Weddings! Yeap, that's right, Weddings. But I've got an other one for you. Is Your Soulmate an Idiot? Lately, I think people are investing too much energy in the idea that they "must find their soulmate." Where do we get this idea that we are somehow not complete unless we are connected to another person? What are you? An electrical outlet waiting for a plug, so you can finally light up the world? Frankly, when I hear the word "soulmate" I tend to give a little shudder, especially when I think about some of the people in my past that I have considered to be my soulmates. Is The Internet A Miracle Cure For Loneliness? A few years ago a surprising survey discovered that people who spent a lot of time on the Internet were a lot lonelier than people who didn't spend much time on the Net.This was an unexpected find because many people view the Internet and e-mail as a great way to make and keep connections with other people. Relationship Problems: Solvable or Unsolvable Every so often, I will hear a relationship speaker claim that they have never had a fight or problem in their marriage. My response to such a claim is that the person is either1) lying or2) certainly can't relate to me. Find Love The Zen Way "If he comes we welcome, If he goes we do not pursue" Zen sayingWe all want love. We are all searching for some lasting relationship. What Does a Dangerous Man Look Like? When you are dating you try to keep from a dangerous man. What do they look like? Why is when you are dating people that some guys just manage to slip through the cracks before revealing their true colors? What are they looking for in a woman? What can you do to protect yourself from a dangerous man?One of the first things to realize is that dangerous men, look just like regular men. What Is Love And The Love Equation What is Love? This question has bothered me for a long time. After listening to many perspectives and examining Love from several angles, the thought came to my mind that we have over-complicated Love and need easier to understand models. Communication Is The Key To A Lasting Relationship "If you are trying to find ways to lead a more fulfilled life, at some point the spotlight of your attention will fall on your various relationships - with family, lovers, friends and colleagues," stated Take Control of Your Life, one of the series in Time-Life Books.Relationship can bring great pleasure and satisfaction where they work and unhappiness when they don't. Zodiac Love Match - Can the Stars be Right? As a somewhat older gentleman (but still fairly good looking and somewhat romantic?) I have always enjoyed good relationships with the younger folk - Oh! The times I have been called upon over recent years to inspect and give an opinion on some poor new prospective boyfriend.Of course, it is somewhat flattering to be consulted for such advice by pretty young females. Valentines Day Gifts Can Expose a Cheating Husband If you have the uneasy feeling that your husband is having an extramarital affair, Valentine's Day is the ideal time to confirm what you suspect. The Valentine's Day gift he gives his mistress or the gift he receives from her in return, can provide you with proof of his infidelity. Lovers Quarrel One minute you seem like lovesick turtledoves teasing, laughing and giggling with all your might. Then a few minutes later, you begin yelling and berating each other and a lover's quarrel is already in progress. Calming the Storm In Your Relationship IntroductionConflict in relationships is inevitable. Put two men together with their own sets of needs, values, personality traits, and life histories/experiences and you have a fertile ground for potential differences to cause clashes. Building the Bond in Your Relationship A bond (relationship wise) is when two people have a connection. Being attracted to each other and sharing common values and interests brought the two of you together as a couple, but the bond has not been set completely. Defining Relationship Commitment for Todays Couples WHAT IS COMMITMENT?The question of when a relationship is committed is a source of much confusion and debate. We live in a time when the marriage rate is going down, the co-habitation rate is going up, and the majority of first-born children are now born to unmarried parents.
|
| home | site map |
| © 2007 RichiesList.com |